happiness counts

I realize that I have been horrible at posting lately. In fact, I have been horrible about drawing anything at all, let alone anything post-worthy. And this is kind-of a worthless post in of itself. A post stating I have nothing to post.. bah.
Bah is a good word for it. Bah kind of sums up how I've been feeling lately.

For those who've just tuned in, I am working 2 jobs. A "design" internship and H&M. I am lucky if I get one day off a week. I realize that people do this all the time. People have been working everyday their entire lives. But damnitt I'm not used to it, so I'm complaining. Perhaps I wouldn't have anything to complain about if I actually enjoyed this internship I signed myself up for. But I don't. It sucks. Balls. it sucks balls. It sucks because it's not a design internship at all. It's fucking tedious production work for minimum wage. It's not challenging and unsatisfying in every way possible.

I actually had a complete meltdown about it the other day. I would actually much rather just go back to working full time at H&M. It blew my mind. I never ever thought I would actually choose to work retail, and actually enjoy it. It's still difficult for me to wrap my head around., enjoying working retail. I have been trained to believe my entire life that if you, a grown up, are not working the 9-5 in an office downtown somewhere, then you've fucked up somewhere a long the way. You're somehow less intelligent or perhaps just lazy. Wasted potential. But what if you're happy? What if you're sincerely happy? Does that change everything? Doesn't happiness count for something?

I have worked retail before, mind you, and hated it. It was easy to not give a shit about any job before now because I was always in school. It was easy to work the 3 months of the summer then say, "see ya!" I'm in school. I don't have to worry about working yet. That's forever away from now.

Well forever wasn't that long, and now I'm no longer in school. Now I have to face the heavy decisions I've been avoiding for so long. Like, what do I want to be when I grow up? Where do I want to live? How can I make "it" happen? I don't know the answer to any of these questions.

I decided a good way to find some of these answers was to move cross country and find a 9-5, downtown office job. Well, I did that, and all I've learned is I fucking hate it. Maybe I would hate my internship a little less, if I didn't have to go to my other job once it was over, and had, at least, the weekends free. But neither is the case, and my life is getting more and more tiresome and lonely. Bah.

I'm thinking that if they do decide to offer me a job after this, I'm going to turn it down. Yes. I would turn away more money and a more "respectable" job to continue working for H&M. Even if it means continuing to be on the poorer side for the time being. Because happiness does count for something. It counts for everything.

I know that I want to draw and design (definitely not production "design"), and I'll figure out the rest day by day. For the time being, I'm just going to have to stick it out for a couple more months, and periodically post about having nothing to post.